Today is BEAUTIFUL!!!

BEAUTIFUL

I want to be your kind of beautiful,
and make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart and be amazed!
I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough.
I want to be worthy of your Agape Love once again!
In the depths of who I am, I want my beauty to be felt, to affect others.
I want to feel what it means to be your kind of beautiful.
To live the life I was ment to live!
I am embarking on this captivating adventure, a journey of my heart.
Discovering the beautiful woman I already am, through you.
According to your loving kindness!
It takes me so little to be happy,
just a touch from a friendly hand,
Just a word from someone who understands.
I promise to lose the doubt and fear I have, for so long, clung to.
To be your kind of beautiful.



This poem I wrote it is what is truley in my heart, basically by making me so vonerable and uncertain I am alowing him and his gracious mercy to transform me from the woman I have been to the woman he ment for me to be.

I feel not enough,but yet too much at the same time, if that even makes sence??? I want to be confidant but, also vonerable without portraying myself as scandolus, or an attention seeking person. I want to be stronger without being harsh or drowning in my own sorrow. I think not just me but we all have the fear of being abandoned and alone. I feel sometimes we are unsought or unseen, but is this selfishness?



Some days seem so unimportant, without adventure. My days feel filled with duties and demands. I want to try harder to be a better beautiful woman, wife and mother. I will take baby steps and I will be patient with myself. While I wait for him I will not fail, I refuse to let myself fall again. I will read his word, I will serve him and I will obey.

Tonight, there's HOPE!!!

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.
Keep in the sunlight. Look up! it doesn't cost a thing to smile, u don't have to pay to laugh!! U better thank God for that! Theres HOPE!!



Wow, Tonight I made the most concise decision I have made in a couple years. So, I know if you read my earlier Blog I mentioned that I have been lost, feeling unworthy of even trying to salvage some kind of a relationship with my Gracious Father. I have discarded it as something not worthy of me when quite the contrary, I am so undeserving of his. Agape LOVE. This unconditional love I had no understanding of what so ever!!!

So I made the first leap back into this full force. I prayed that the Lord would guide me when I opened the Bible, this is the scripture I opened to:
Ephesians 4:8
"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord, Walk as children of light"!

I mean if that wasn't him speaking straight to me! How absolutely remarkable that he is so personal, he spoke through his word.... to me. Someone who thought could not come back to him when his arms were reaching out to me. I was so selfish and wrapped up in ME to see it. I am convicted, yet convinced this is where I belong He has been waiting so patiently and I WILL NOT LET HIM DOWN AGAIN!



You know how easy it is to get wrapped up in this whirlwind of, well, just ever-changing Life that little by little you loose little shreds of yourself. We tend to glorify adulthood and worldly prudence; When all along if we would just put our trust in him, his word and gospel against our natural judgment. To become just unspoiled and tender and open our hearts to his slender... WOW I have been missing out. I want to know how I let myself stray so far. It doesn't matter, I am right where he wants me to be "a child walking towards his light".

Today marks halfway through FTX...

Wow, this week is dragging by If I do say so. The heat is unbearable at times.. like today the tempature is supposed to reach 100 degrees not even including the heat index which is probably at least 120!!! I actually got a text from PV2 Johnson yesterday and he informed me there have been 26 heat casuality's in the past 2 days. I mean really this is the Army, cant they make sure they are drinking and "
hydrating" like they are supposed to? What good is Feild Traning of they are dropping like fly's from heat stroke or worse?





Okay enough complaning, I just miss him and absolutly cannot wait until this stepping stone (Virginia) is over. This place has worn me thin..(yes, because I let it)
Yesterday I went to "Scooter guys" memorial. I didnt get the closure I so badly wanted from this situation. But, I did learn about the wonderful family and life he led. I, for some reason will forever be connected to him. Though I feel like noone will ever completely understand. I am okay with that.

On a much lighter note it is slowly approaching... the day we get out of this place. It is so bittersweet because as the final day comes I realize that this phase of our Army life os about to end and another is to begin. Scary to think I am going to the unknown again, but also sad because I am going to miss my peeps here! I feel like the people who I am closest to here will be forever in my heart and life! I definatly would have never made it here without my friends. Wow saying that outloud makes me want to publically say that they are the reason I pushed through this.



There is still so much to do.. paperwork and finding a house (geez, thats a big one) sometimes when I am so overwhelmed I tend to put off things as a way to deflect my responsibility's. This all boils down to a subject i try to avoid, not because I dont want to speak about it, but, because I feel like I dont deserve to.

Okay, here it goes. I used to have an amazing relationship with our Lord, our Savior.... but my trials and tribulations seemed to be so much greater than my relationship with him. This is going to be all over the place seing as I dont know where to begin again. I was truely saved on Feb 12, 2006. 3 months prior to giving birth to my lil side-kick James Joseph. Everything in my life made scence. I was participating in bible study's : The Power Of a Praying Wife, The Pourpose Driven Life, and so many more. My life actually had a pourpose and absolutly everything I had gone through to that point tramatic or not I came to understand a deeper meaning to. I do have to say it wasnt with out stress or faults!! By no means, It just seemed to me the closer my relationship with my father became, the more my life fell apart, bills piled up and most of all my marriage started shredding to pieces. I guess what I am trying to get out is that as time has gone by I started relying more on myself, to the point that I dont lean on him anymore. This to me is tragic because all I want is to feel inspired and that closeness I dont have. I feel like I cannot refer to him when trying to relate to things because I dont deserve to. I long for that relationship... HOW DO I GET IT BACK??? I just cannot begin where we left off...

Today was his day.... Fathers Day!

First let me start by giving our Fathers the Apreciation they so much deserve... You are the reason we do what we do.. You give such selflessness to our family and our country!! One day isnt barely enough to show the love and gratitude we have for you all!! So with that being said we went to the beach today to celebrate... This heat is unbearable, I got in the car to go leave the beach and I was gasping for air.. Wow this is ca ca crazy!

This week marks FTX week so I think I will be blogging quite much this week. He wont be able to contact me until next weekend. I will have to stay busy because I definatly dont get to see him as often as we would like but I can at least look forward to one or two calls a day.. Not this week, its all good though because after FTX its Phase 5 Plus, for an entire month. He is so worth the wait, although waiting for me is nailbiting at times.

This makes me so greatful because I know there are men overseas and deployed who didnt get to see their familys on this day of being greatful for them!!! I also feel like I am being insensitive because isnt it like 150 degrees there, in full ACU'S? Wow I need to take a step back and stop being so selfish and SPOILED!! I told my kids today that Daddy was going out a week and Katelyn says " Its always the Armys fault", I feel for them because they have not the understanding that sometimes I dont even have!! Today, I am promising to be more greatful for the heat, and all the little things we seem to take for granted on a daily basis without even realizing how selfish we really are.



Distance is not for the fearful. It's for the bold. It's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even ...if they don't see it nearly enough! Words I live by!



In conclusion to this Amazing weekend I do have to say; In the wise words of Joyce Meyers " Live with an Attitude of Gratitude!" Nothing better than a renewed sence of living life to the fullest!! It is so important to not confuse the destination with the journey! Have a Blessed day!!! <3